Musings from the Moon

All this soup nonsense is much to suspicious. In “The Tale of Despereaux” soup plays a rather prominent role in the story. Despereaux is also sponsored by Campbell’s.

(Hmmmmmmm……………not to be confused with mmmmmmmm!)

I smell not the warm, inviting wafts of Moon’s homemade Ham and Corn Chowder, or even Moon’s Chicken Noodle Soup, but the cold calculated emanation of a Gosselin infomercial extraordinaire.

I do hope I am wrong.

(I do!)

It would be such a shame for a Newbery Medal Winner, and the corresponding film, to be further tarnished by an inarticulate wanna-be household “diva” whose real talent lies in exploiting children, konning Christians and teaching the rest sandwich cutting 101.

And the big reveal about moving?

Old news TLC.

Old news indeed.
_______________________________

RECAP~

WHEW!

Despereaux’s integrity is left intact! There was nary a word regarding the courageous little mouse uttered by anyone in the Gosselin household, gratefully. Perhaps Despereaux & Co. learned the lesson quickly that Kate Gosselin pretending to read to her children was not, in fact, the best advertising medium for a movie based on a Newbery Medal winning children’s book. A book whose major themes teach vital lessons on courage, honesty and common sense~ virtues that are glaringly absent in the character make-up of either Jon or Kate Gosselin.

Never mind the blatant in-your-face-product placement of it within the “Giving Back” show, you know, a show that was supposed to be designed to highlight St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, the plight of the gravely ill children there and their parent’s struggle. With the nothing-is-sacred TLC, Figure 8, and of course, the Gosselins, no episode of Jon and Kate Plus Eight is complete without some sort of product placement and its accompanying freebie for the family .

Last night’s show was no different.

The product placement and freebie du jour?

Little Tikes and Hasbro.

The show opens with the children in summer clothes announcing the show and playing with product placement number one (Play-Doh) in the back yard - a back yard that is still green with summer. A quick segue brings us to Kate and Jon in the kitchen, also in summer clothes, discussing Kate’s latest drama (a broken stove) and attempting to convince the viewers that the ever so frugal Kate is making her annual soup to “stockpile” for the winter.

Did I mention the summer clothes and the greener than green backyard?

Apparently the household diva (I wanna! I wanna! I WANNA-be) found the language of stove owner’s manual too hard to comprehend (they do, after all, target the language to about a 5th grade level) and managed to break the cook top by placing a pot lid upon it while it was hot. As the show must go on, a new stove is shown being installed, pronto, and mercifully, without a commercial attached. While the installers are changing appliances, out of the mouths of one bright Gosselin babe comes the same question we have all been asking for a long while.

“Mom, why do you need a stove?”

See? Even the little ones are on to her!

Kate replies “So I can feed you”. The real answer, however, is that Kate needs the stove to pretend to make her annual soups for winter, in the middle of the summer. We all know that frozen soup is best eaten within 2-3 months within freezing so they will be eating her stockpile say, about October, right when the leaves begin to turn - right before the air has any distinguishable crisp. Just when one is simply itching to eat a hearty, warm you to the soul soup, eh?

Never being the one to create drama over nothing, Kate is quick to tell the camera that the stove installers tell her that they have NEVER seen anything like it. Nope, never. I am sure that they have never seen one iota of an issue that clearly goes against the suggestions and warnings in the owner’s manual, at least from those that actually take the time to read it. Yep Kate, YOU are the only nitwit they have come across, congrats!

To further the drama, the film crew create a little tension regarding the new stove actually fitting the space. While I WOULD expect the nitwit to forget to measure the space prior to buying the stove, I would not expect that of the producers, considering they were the ones who clearly ordered the stove (Kate didn’t even know how many burners it had, or how big the cook top was for that matter). After Kate’s little outburst of envisioning herself “dying” because the stove would not fit and accusing the installers of pretending it would not fit on purpose, the installers practically shove the damn thing in so they can high tale it outta there. Kate thanks them with the quip “My kids will be happy to eat something other than cereal for dinner”.

No surprise there then that the aforementioned Gosling posed the aforementioned question he did.

After the installers make their break we hear the lovely banter of the two love birds. Jon states that unless it is an appliance has a keyboard attached, he doesn’t know how to use it. Yes, Jon we know. But that has nothing to do with actual IT computer work and everything to do with surfing the web for tidbits about you and the Mrs. Did you enjoy the “New Year Resolutions” piece in the Examiner.com?

Kate then starts to berate him about being in the kitchen and around her open (shiny new) stock pots, stock pots I might add, that look barely big enough to make a batch of soup for one dinner, let alone two. She subsequently throws him out and we segue into the girls in the back yard playing with product placement one, making sure the viewers clearly see the brand name less they not realize what the product is~ Play-DUH!

Who is watching the girls (beside the camera man)?

Who knows?

As the next scene brings us to the boys in the basement helping Jon tidy up so they can go out to play. One of the little boys asks where the girls are and Jon states “Who knows, maybe they are helping Mommy cook, which is fine with me, so when they are older” (and he is cut off). So when they are older what, Jon? They too can catch a shrew like you? And what does cooking have to do with it? Clearly yours doesn’t spend all that much time around a stove, brand spanking new or not.

After a cursory attempt at cleaning the basement, we segue back to the couch wherein Jon and Kate debate on the cleanliness of their offspring. Jon states the boys are all together more tidy and bright-as-a whip Kate reveals her superb parenting skills by stating that that the girls only clean when they FEEL like it. That’s right Kate, a brilliant showcase of your (non existent) parenting skills, particularly in the area of teaching self sufficiency, responsibility and family team work. Michelle Duggar ain’t got nothing on you!

The best part of the show comes when Kate is back in the kitchen pretending and Jon is seen actually taking part in a kid play session featuring product placement number one. Jon engages in some potty humor, but this time without showing the kids actually on the potty! He conceals a nice long Play-Doh booger, feigns a sneeze, and asks for a tissue, revealing the snot. They kids get a laugh and so does Jon. Even I cracked a smile.

We are taken back to the couch wherein Kill Joy Kate then berates Jon for getting on the children’s level in a manner in which they can relate. She sighs in disgust, while covering her face and states “You are supposed to be an example and not a child”.

Pot.

Meet.

Kettle.

(As an aside, I have found egg noodles to make super boogers. For super-duper snot, cooked spinach is the clear winner!)

Kill Joy Kate then makes her way outside, arms crossed, scowled face, to exclaim what a mess the kids have made and to remind Jon what daddies are good for.

Cleaning up.

She asks the kids “And aren’t we glad we have one?

For cleaning up!”

We now ping pong back and forth from the couch to the backyard in an attempt to explain away product placement number two~ a Little Tikes Bounce House (retailing at $249.00) that they claim they have had for sometime. I find it curious why they have to spend so much time explaining this toy and its benefits if they have had it the time that they claim. I also find it curious why two “conscientious” parents such as Jon and Kate would clearly go against the warnings of the Little Tike Bounce House safety use and use it in the garage when the warnings clearly state that it must be used on a soft surface and the stakes must be securely embedded in the ground to use the toy safely. Although, I have to admit, that after the oven mishap it is clear that reading product owner manuals for use and safety is clearly not on their priority list. Jon states that while it is a fantastic toy, they rarely bring it out as it is such a hassle to set up and take down. Little Tikes says it inflates under a minute. A hassle indeed, Jon.

Back into the kitchen where the clock says 11:45 am, Kate is whining that due to her stove “exploding” her soup will not be done in time for supper. When do they eat? 3:00 pm? A little note to Kate: stock does not take that long unless it is in a slow cooker, which, by the way, is one of the bast ways to make stock. Why you didn’t utilize yours when your oven “exploded” is beyond me as it was sitting right there on the counter. When one batch is down, make a second on low and it can cook all night~ soup making is not the rocket science you make it out to be. A second little note to (non) germaphobe Kate, it is not in your best interest to tell your viewers to defrost frozen soup on the counter. Anything that is frozen should be allowed to defrost in the refrigerator to thwart any potential bacteria growth. Please address your lack of knowledge regarding safe cooking before you produce your cookbook of recipes from a cook that states that no good cook uses recipes. Good job on insulting your readers prior to publication, by the way.

The show wraps up (gratefully) with the family gathered around the table eating what looks to be bowls of condensed canned chicken noodle soup and bread. Where the hearty, healthy ORGANIC vegetables and grilled cheese went is beyond me. It is here that Jon and Kate make the big announcement that they are moving to a “big house and big yard”.

After the announcement each child is allowed to ask a (clearly staged) question. Alexis takes a pass, but her smile is priceless. There are questions of rooms and little Alexis is has her own room as she is a “disturber” and wakes up the other children at night, an issue that had her banished to the basement months ago. An issue which begged the question then, and still does now, how does banishing her to the basement or a room of her own keep her from disturbing the other children at night? What do they do, lock her in? And why has this issue not be dealt with professionally? Oh, I know, the answer must lie in the previously stated stellar parenting skills of said parents. Other questions include “How big is the house?” Kate answers “I don’t know, but it is big, bigger than this house” an answer that exemplifies her 1) level if articulation on any subject and 2) her ability to give a straight answer for and to anything without some sort of spin. Someone asks about a dog, which is shot down and flowers for the playhouse (new product placement no doubt) which is a go.

On the final couch scene, Kate insinuates that the house dysfunction is due to the lack of space and further insinuates that all the issues will somehow miraculously abate once there is more room. No, Kate, the dysfunction comes from having a film crew video staged episodes of your children weekly for hours on end with little to no break, a major lack of parenting skills from both parents and a clear lack of setting boundaries regarding the children’s God given right to privacy. No McMansion or large acreage with a privacy gate is going to solve the foregoing. Quit trying to kid your viewers and yourself. No amount of space is going to cure what ills the lot of you, particularly the children, who are simply innocent pawns in this entire mess. A big house is not going to better their lives when the rest of the dysfunction continues.

And that, Kate, is no SURPRISE!